the website of seho bek

goal-less?

inspired by a couple of posts about "living the goal-less" life, and definitely influenced by daoism (wú wéi, non-action / effortless action), i'm interested in learning about living a life without goals. here i share some ideas that made me arrive here.

i tend to be very productive (or to attempt to be). i feel that i have to be always "doing something", in part because of my creative impulse, in part because of my education and ingrained sense of responsibility ("i have to retribute", "i have to share", "i have to do things to help the world" (?)). lately, i have been learning to be okay with resting, taking things slowly, relaxing. this has also implied that i have been learning to say "no" to proposals, projects, jobs, and other things that sound interesting, but that at the end tend to suck up the energy that i would need to do the things that "matter" to me.

what are the things that matter to me? this has been a long exploration and source of conflicts for many years. however, a part of this recent personal exploration has been to observe the internal and external expectations about/for me and my work, acknowledge them, and focus on first being okay with myself / with the world.

this sounds good, however the problem for me has been to think that "what i need" to be able to focus is to get a disciplined routine, to set short-term goals; to think "okay, this set of actions will make me feel better". i think now that it is a problem for me because it's shifting the focus from the present moment, from the "how i feel in this specific time", to the future (or the idelization of the future). (as a side note, i have learned that is a very western attitude: focusing on growth and the better future that will come, focusing on the after-life...)

it is also a problem because in general it makes me feel bad whenever i start to "fail". and i end up in self-sabotage, not doing what i wanted (what i planned), feeling guilty for doing anything else - even if that is something i enjoy and is helpful in a way for others.

i have a lot of creative energy, many ideas, possible projects. what if i just let them flow? what if i just let myself flow? i know that for me this flow doesn't imply "sitting in the couch forever" - i enjoy creating, i enjoy sharing, regardless of the possible pressure and "sense of responsibility" (probably these two just add some anxiety when i deviate or "fail").

what if i just let things/myself happen?